A bit about the Walk into Work

Does anyone like their walk into work? I was thinking that today as I, well, walked into work. I decided that the walk into work can have a bearing on how you will be when you get to work itself, be that arriving on the ward, at the office, on the scaffold… whatever.

Work is a means to an end, and you work to live, not live to work, but each day at work for most of us requires a walk into work. Work is a chore we have to do, so the said walk into work should be as stress-free and incident-free as possible.

Five nice things to see on the way into work:

1. A pretty lady.
2. A nice warm sun in a cloudless sky.
3. A pretty lady who smiles at you.
4. A squirrel on a rooftop.
5. A squirrel who smiles at you.

These can obviously be changed into a man, all depending on which way you are inclined. Perhaps you don’t like squirrels? You can change that too. But such sights could make you feel uplifted and once you get to your place of work they can still be with you. In some cases your colleagues might think, Hey, Borg is in a good mood! Look at that gleam on his little face! Hey, I feel happy just looking at that happy fellow’s (chiselled and handsome) features…

Five things you DON’T want to see on the way into work.

1. A naked fat bloke (and again you can choose woman instead here) riding past on a bike.
2. A splash of dark orange sick on the pavement, which obviously arrived there the night before from the insides of someone who had too much to drink and decided to eat a pizza as well (there is an empty pizza box nearby).
3. A Doberman… on its own…
4. Grey sky, drizzle, chill…
5. A weirdo who you think is following you and wants to mug you. How do you know he is a weirdo? Because he is giggling to himself and keeps repeating the word ‘Butchery’ all the time.

How are you going to look when you arrive at work having seen any of those sights? Not very happy, and your colleagues will notice that too. Hey, Borg is a right sour puss today. Look at that glumness on his (chiselled and handsome) features!

So, when your colleague arrive at the office one day, just bear in mind that he or she might have had to walk past sick, devils dogs, madmen, drizzle, or naked fat people on bikes…

A bit about Swearing

Today, I wish to talk about swearing. You might think swearing is good, you might think it is bad, or maybe you don’t give a shit… (sorry, that was just too predictable wasn’t it), what I mean is, perhaps you are kind of in the middle and think swearing is fine when required and not so fine when it is not.

I am not a prude by any means, and I can swear as well as the next man, but I think there is a time and place for swearing. Used for comic effect, a good old swear word is perfectly acceptable (no shit!). To relieve a moment of stress a swear word is good too (Oh cock it!), or when you are annoyed (Piss!) or if you can’t be bothered with something, or someone (Fu@k it/’em!). I have censored that bit in case my children read this one day…

So to recap, swearing is okay in both moderation and at the right time. What I can’t abide is when a person’s every other word is the ‘F’ word. This just shows a severe lack of intelligence to me. A person who cannot find the right word, because his, or her, vocabulary won’t allow this, due to the fact that said vocabulary is limited. ‘Can I have an effing can of effing coke, Mr effing newsagent bloke, ta, effing great to obtain such an effing purchase from you!’

Swearing in front of a child is not good at all. I hardly swear in front of mine, and it really irks me when I overhear some idiot swearing when they are with their children. A mild ‘bloody’ is okay, but not that ‘F’ word, or the T and C words… A bit of ‘arse’ is okay, or a little ‘crap.’ But the serious words are said so casually aren’t they. Come one, what are they going to grow up like, idiot? Yes, they are going to swear, are you proud of that fact? And when they swear within earshot of my children, well I just want to grab hold of them beat the crap out of them.

I don’t obviously do that – if I want to teach my kids that swearing isn’t cool (dude) I certainly don’t want to show them that violence solves stuff. No, at best I will give them a dirty look. To hear a child swear is quite sad too. It is a bit like hearing an angel fart, so out of place and just… wrong. No one should ever have to hear an angel fart or a child swear. But I guess they think it’s big, it makes them look all hard and mean – the kids not the angels that is…!

A Bit about Queuing

I know it’s been said – many times, many ways, as the song goes – us British love to queue, don’t we! Don’t we? Well, no, actually as a British person I don’t like queuing at all. In fact I hate it. I would rather eat raw sewage than queue up (well, perhaps not, but you get the gist). I am pretty sure most people think the same way as I do. Love queuing? Love wasting time stood in a long line of people waiting to pay some sales assistant some cash? Nope!

I hate queuing and I hate the fact I have to queue! You know, I reckon whoever came up with the notion that us British love to queue was probably drunk at the time, or one drugs. I have never, ever in my life seen a British person in a queue who was happy. I have seen them try to jump a queue and face the wrath of the other queue-ees. I am talking serious tutting here and intense moaning. Hell hath no fury as a queue-ee scorned…

Most of us want to get served and out of the damn shop as soon as possible. But isn’t it always the case that whichever queue you go to is always the slowest? I feel like I have been cursed by the god of slow till operators. Take last night… I went to the supermarket, was in a bit of a rush, surveyed the tills and opted for the till with least people at. (I like to call this the till of least resistance). The lady behind the till did not stop talking to the woman who was before me and then as the woman was paying she questioned whether the tuna she had bought should have been on a buy one get one free offer. Till lady rang for assistance whilst looking at me with an ironic smile and a ‘sorry about this, love,’ and a fat co-worker came to help. It took him five minutes to check out the tuna situation. They should have, indeed, been BOGOF, here’s a refund. Why can’t you go to customer services for your refund! I almost cried at the woman. I want to buy my food and get home… I have had a busy day at work! Eventually I escaped the supermarket and off home I went. God I hate queuing almost as much as I hate shopping (but that is another story).

Isn’t it also frustrating when shops don’t have enough staff at the tills? You stand there with your goods in hand waiting while a pimple-faced teenager has to deal with the barrage of shoppers singlehandedly. This pisses me off. Why give them your custom for such poor service? In fact I have been known to leave the goods and go, make for the exits and fresh air outside.

Post Offices are bad too, and whose bright idea was it for staff to take their lunch hours at, well, lunch time? This is the only time I go to the post office, as I am at work during the day. It is also the time when most people go to the post office. Once there I see a huge queue and four people at the tills. I stand and wait with baited breath for the mechanical voice to say ‘Cashier number three…’
Ways to combat queuing:

1. Rush towards a queue holding a pass (can be any pass, library card will do) shouting, ‘I am on urgent police business, let me through to the till!’ Pros: you will get served quickly. Cons: you might be arrested for impersonating a policeman, or if someone actually believes you are a policeman, they might start asking you police related questions, such ‘where is the nearest place I can put on a Lottery ticket?’

2. Shout, ‘Wow, Katie Price is outside!’ The queue-ees (well, some of them), will immediately hurry outside and you will be able to get served straight away. Pros: you are served quickly, you get the satisfaction of watching a load of sad gits run outside only to be disappointed. Cons: they might come back, and some of them might be big…

3. Pretend there is a bomb threat?

4. Pretend you are a chicken. Pros: Many a shopper will want to get away from you as quickly as possible. Cons: you might like being a chicken and stay that way, strait jacket awaits…


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