I went to see Iron Maiden recently and to park up near the MEN in Manchester it cost us 10 quid. I also went to the Lakes recently and it cost me £6.90 to park at Grizedale Forest, £5.50 at Tarn Howes (for 4 hours) and (if I hadn’t found road parking it would have cost me) £7.00 to park in Coniston. This all makes me ask the question, Why The Hell is Parking so damn Dear in some places? And who comes up with such ridiculous charges for parking? Is there a panel of greedy bastards who sit around a table and think up the most expensive costs that they can get away with? Let’s face it, when you park up, you are only leaving your car for up to a day on a patch of land that it about 6 foot by 10. So why is it so dear?
You know, if I pay so much for parking, I feel I ought to get something extra, like maybe a free massage or a free map or lollipop. But oh no… You just get a parking spot and maybe free use of the toilet facilities, if you are lucky. And then there are clampers waiting in the bushes, waiting for you to leave without paying… shifty looking clampers… ready to clamp. They wait until you return as well, because if you are a minute over the time you have paid for, they pounce, they clamp…
A cheap day out in the countryside is marred by a high fee for parking.
A trip to the town/city centre for shopping is ruined when you have to pay a jaw breaking parking charge.
Do these people not realise that they will price themselves out of the market one day? Are they Stupid?
I know that it is dearer in other places, and I know it is cheaper in others. I bet you have a story to tell of a high cost in parking… we all have! But why do we stand for this robbery? Because, let’s face it, robbery is what it is and they have us over a barrel. You are not going to arrive at a car park in the middle of nowhere and decide to drive all the way back because the car park cost is a Rip Off. And what stupid prices too! £6.90!!! Who has 90p in change? Might as well just make it 7.00… But no, we let the bastards in there costing panels walk all over us and we say, ‘Ah well. Never mind,’ while they shaft us…
I don’t mind paying more for more, but this is just a rip off… and I hate it when I know I have been ripped off… take buying coke in a pub for example (but that is for another blog)… I don’t like to be ripped off…
Sunday 31 July 2011
Friday 22 July 2011
A Bit about Farting
I am off camping on Saturday for four nights, so I thought I would slip in this blog before i go, on a subject we all know about.
You know, quite a few of my blogs seem to be inspired/thought up during my walk into work from the car. This morning as I walked into work, a guy (who was on the other side of the road to me) stopped, looked in deep thought, then farted. I carried on walking, laughing to myself, as that’s the kind of thing I do, and he farted again. They weren’t accidental farts too, this guy was proud of them.
Tonight, therefore, I want to discuss farting. I really don’t think we embrace (as a nation) the art of farting enough. People who fart are mostly shunned and grimaced at, when – let’s be honest – it is something we all do.
Farts have other names, too, like ‘trumps,’ or ‘poops’ or to ‘have wind,’ or ‘let rip.’ They can be silent but deadly, denied and supplied… But why do people shun them so? Heck (or hark), even Chaucer wrote about them. Flatulence is what we do… I fart, therefore I am. Yet we can sometimes be too ashamed of our trumps, especially in public places. I have a friend who brews them up and creates the loudest and smelliest farts imaginable. But would I fart in the office at work? Not a chance. Would I fart in front of the kids? You Betcha… Would I trump in a fancy restaurant on a first date? Nope… Would I fart while out with the mates? Heck, I’d let it fester so that I managed a loud one.
We mostly leave our farts for the right occasion. Not a good idea to fart in the middle of a job interview, for example. Tell me about yourself… Well, I am a keen worker, punctual… burrrrphhh…
Is it more a ‘man’ thing? Are men more proud of their farts than women? Or is it that men talk about trumps more? I could have quite an in-depth talk about farts. I wonder if anyone has filed for divorce due to their spouse’s excessive wind. That’s it, you have farted your last fart as my wife! You will be hearing from my solicitor.
Now, no one really comments on my blogs, even though I know I do have the odd reader or two, so please feel free to leave a comment – perhaps you can let me know another name for a fart?
Remember… it’s good to fart.
Sunday 17 July 2011
A Bit about Relationships...
I didn’t do a blog last week and this was mainly due to the ex, my daughter and living arrangements… I won’t go into great detail, but suffice to say that I was obviously to blame for it all, and more, and it was my entire fault etc…
But let's not go into all that, this blog is for fun, light-hearted stuff and hopefully) to make you smile a bit after a hard week… But as I was walking to work this morning, I did start to think of relationships and how they evolve… or should that be ‘transform,’ like a caterpillar to a butterfly, or maybe a mild-mannered person to a werewolf on full moon nights, or a cute little puppy into a raging, foam-mouth beast having caught rabies…
Not that having a relationship is akin to having rabies of course… not much anyway…
I saw a couple walking ahead of me… in fact I heard them first (her actually) giving him grief. They were only in their late teens as well. I thought: I bet they didn’t think their relationship would become like that when they first met that night at the disco… or wherever groovy young cats meet these days. And the same can be said about a lot of us. That dashing young bloke with the full head of hair, boyish looks, souped up Ford… how and when did he become that fat slob on the sofa drinking lager and wearing that white vest with dubious stains on the front?
That slim, cute brunette, with those sparkling eyes and great arse. Had aliens replaced her with that saggy old bag whose only purpose in life seemed to be to nag anything and everything she came into contact with?
I guess there will be more bits about relationships over the course of this blog as it is such a big subject, but I wanted to share this with you for now. I know we all don’t change like that, but it is not what we ‘signed up for’ is it. Perhaps that is why people get divorced. Is divorce not, then, another way of taking back your spouse to the shop and getting a full refund? ‘Sorry, my spouse isn’t working as well as he/she did when I acquired him… some of the parts don’t work, she is stuck in ‘nag mode…’ I want a full refund.’
Hmmm…
Those getting married soon, probably wise to keep a receipt… you know, just in case…
But let's not go into all that, this blog is for fun, light-hearted stuff and hopefully) to make you smile a bit after a hard week… But as I was walking to work this morning, I did start to think of relationships and how they evolve… or should that be ‘transform,’ like a caterpillar to a butterfly, or maybe a mild-mannered person to a werewolf on full moon nights, or a cute little puppy into a raging, foam-mouth beast having caught rabies…
Not that having a relationship is akin to having rabies of course… not much anyway…
I saw a couple walking ahead of me… in fact I heard them first (her actually) giving him grief. They were only in their late teens as well. I thought: I bet they didn’t think their relationship would become like that when they first met that night at the disco… or wherever groovy young cats meet these days. And the same can be said about a lot of us. That dashing young bloke with the full head of hair, boyish looks, souped up Ford… how and when did he become that fat slob on the sofa drinking lager and wearing that white vest with dubious stains on the front?
That slim, cute brunette, with those sparkling eyes and great arse. Had aliens replaced her with that saggy old bag whose only purpose in life seemed to be to nag anything and everything she came into contact with?
I guess there will be more bits about relationships over the course of this blog as it is such a big subject, but I wanted to share this with you for now. I know we all don’t change like that, but it is not what we ‘signed up for’ is it. Perhaps that is why people get divorced. Is divorce not, then, another way of taking back your spouse to the shop and getting a full refund? ‘Sorry, my spouse isn’t working as well as he/she did when I acquired him… some of the parts don’t work, she is stuck in ‘nag mode…’ I want a full refund.’
Hmmm…
Those getting married soon, probably wise to keep a receipt… you know, just in case…
Saturday 2 July 2011
A bit about losing things...
Isn’t it annoying when you lose something? I mean losing something in the house, like your wedding ring or your phone. You search high and low, but to no avail… you retrace your steps, wrack your brains, ask yourself: where the heck did I leave it? I sometimes think it is gremlins, you know. That or mischievous ghosts, because the thing that went missing usually turns up out in the open in a spot you have looked over 100 times in your search for missing item.
Recently I had such an experience, but I am pretty sure it wasn’t gremlins or ghosts, and was probably just me being a bit of a plonker. I lost my watch. I looked around the house, wondering where it could be. I had been off work, and was planning a trip to Morries therefore wanted to find my watch before I set off. I thought, when do I usually take my watch off? When doing the washing up (I can’t afford a dishwasher). I checked in the kitchen.. nope, not there. When I am sat watching a DVD in the evening, chilling, might take it off and leave it one the chair… no, not there either. When I was going to bed… not there, not in my bedroom. It was not in the toilet, under the sofa, on the kitchen table, in the bin?
Then I had a thought. I took some washing upstairs the night before. I put some socks in my sock drawer… I went to my bedroom, and there it was in the sock drawer. I must have put the watch on my bed, and when I scooped my socks up to put them in the drawer had scooped the watch up as well. Either that or the gremlins and ghosts did it and wanted me to think I had done it.
So, the moral of this story is, if you lose something, then check the sock drawer… it might be there. This does not really apply if you lose a car in the car park… chances are that you parked it somewhere else. Or someone nicked it. You won’t find it in your sock drawer. But things like keys, phones, missile launchers, and of course watches might well be!
Recently I had such an experience, but I am pretty sure it wasn’t gremlins or ghosts, and was probably just me being a bit of a plonker. I lost my watch. I looked around the house, wondering where it could be. I had been off work, and was planning a trip to Morries therefore wanted to find my watch before I set off. I thought, when do I usually take my watch off? When doing the washing up (I can’t afford a dishwasher). I checked in the kitchen.. nope, not there. When I am sat watching a DVD in the evening, chilling, might take it off and leave it one the chair… no, not there either. When I was going to bed… not there, not in my bedroom. It was not in the toilet, under the sofa, on the kitchen table, in the bin?
Then I had a thought. I took some washing upstairs the night before. I put some socks in my sock drawer… I went to my bedroom, and there it was in the sock drawer. I must have put the watch on my bed, and when I scooped my socks up to put them in the drawer had scooped the watch up as well. Either that or the gremlins and ghosts did it and wanted me to think I had done it.
So, the moral of this story is, if you lose something, then check the sock drawer… it might be there. This does not really apply if you lose a car in the car park… chances are that you parked it somewhere else. Or someone nicked it. You won’t find it in your sock drawer. But things like keys, phones, missile launchers, and of course watches might well be!
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