A Bit about Smelly People

There seem to be a lot of smelly people around lately. I don’t know if it is the weather or anything, as that is what we all usually blame things on isn’t it, the weather? But there just is. When queuing up at some till, I end up stood next to a right smelly git. It is not just BO, it other dirty smells too, like clothing or bad breath. The kind of smell that makes you want to run off screaming, Danger! There is a smelly person at large! But you can’t do that, can you!

There seems to be an epidemic of smelly people, a bit like a zombie holocausts, but you can’t blow smelly people’s heads off with a 12 bore, can you! It’s against the law. I wonder, though, if the smell of the smelly people is spreading, like a zombie plague. Not by bite, of course, but maybe by touch. The touch of the smell. One touch by one of the Pongies and you become a pongie, too. Oh no, I might have been touched and smell and don’t know it.

I can see the film versions of this terrible chapter in our history now: Pongie, Dawn of the Stink, or Pongie Night of the Living Whiff, or 28 Stinks Later. Maybe I am just worrying, maybe there is no Pongie holocaust.  Perhaps these people just need to shower more often. Smelly gits.

A Bit about Speed Bumps

Yes, I know they are all about safety, to help keep speed down on our roads and therefore help deter accidents, but I don’t really think they do their job properly. Some – albeit ignorant drivers tend to drive over the speed bumps at the same speed they would do normally anyway, and so things are liable to fall off their cars and land in front of cars behind them, or hitting pedestrians… things such as bumpers, exhausts and Indian Jones.

They are called Sleeping Policemen, too, but I am not really sure why. They don’t look at all like policemen who are asleep (and in this day and age, surely that should be Sleeping Police ‘Persons.’) In fact they are not like policemen, police persons at all. Try reporting a crime to a sleeping policeman! Mind you, who would want to, they are asleep! Ever seen one trying to arrest someone? No, I think not.

Getting back to safety though, I do not really think they serve their purpose well. I find that when you are driving over a speed bump you are too busy looking at the bump rather than looking around at pedestrians coming out onto the road, like children, OAPs and zebras. Whoever comes up with such ideas (you know, some road engineer thingy guy, health and safety road bloke) needs to have a rethink and start by getting rid of existing speed bumps (starting with the ones on Lindale Gardens please) and put into place other ways of keeping speeds down.

A Bit about Music: Parent versus Child

What is it about parents and children and music tastes? No matter how hard you try, how hard you nurture your child and bring him or her up with the right style of music on your car stereo, no matter how hard you try to drum your style of music into them, they always chose a different style to your own. (Okay, mostly – I know there will be a few of you out there who will say, ‘Well, my Billy likes The Nolans, just like I do!’).

I am a rock fan and since my children were young I have forced my style of music on them in the hope they will like it too, and they did do! They raved over Rush, knew that Maiden weren’t just any old Iron and hailed Helloween, but alas something seems to have changed over the last year and they like rap music. How did this happen?  I hate rap! Okay, they don’t like hard core rap, but stuff like Example (no, I’d never heard of him either).His picture is below right, yes he does look like he could be the leader of the Labour Party, or work at Morrisons. Both my daughter and son love it. The boy will be sat at the lap top listening to it and the girl will be sat with her headphones on listening to it. My rock doesn’t get a look in these days.

I dreamed of taking them to see the likes of Rush, but these dreams will not come true now, the boy’s Metal CD which I made for him a year ago is now forgotten, gathering dust now… 

So… why does this happen? Is it the ‘I know better than you, Dad’ thing? It is them having their own minds..? Or do they just like it? It is a conspiracy? What is the world record for how many questions there are in a paragraph?

They say they still like rock… but I think they are just humouring me.

A Bit about Facebook Adverts

Facebook take snippets of information from your profile and likes etcetera and put certain adverts on your page to see if you might be interested. Sometimes they get it right, but why in the heck do they seem to think I am desperate to find a woman on an internet dating site? I am offered the chance to take Russian woman (apparently there are thousands waiting to hear from me) and I am offered a chance to date women in uniform. What the?

Some time ago, I decided to create a few ads of my own. Fake ads which I put on my face, and I thought I would share them here in my little blog…

Feeling all alone this Valentine’s Night? 

Then say goodbye to loneliness and date a Zombie, such as Mavis below. 

Go to dateazombie.com now and find your ideal zombie date… terms and conditions apply… dateazombie.com cannot be held responsible if your zombie date eats you.

Or....

Borg Dating . Com 

A whole collective of female Borgs are waiting to hear from you. 

You know resistance is futile! Date a Borg today, like Betty (right)…

A Bit About Time

It is a little known fact that time slows down at certain points in the day, and speeds up at others. This is the God’s honest truth, I kid you not… oh no. And the older you get, the quicker time goes too. I look at my kids and think, Heck! How did they get so big and old? I blinked and they were no longer toddlers, but heading straight to teenage years. Many have mused about this before, and many will muse about this in the future I am sure… so, let’s get back to time.

In the morning at work, time is at its slowest. The hands on the clocks all around the world seem to grow heavy and it is difficult for them to move. In fact sometimes the hands don’t move for several minutes: I know, I have watched them do this. Yet, it is strange, but the same time on a Saturday (or any other of your days off) the hands move along fine and quite possibly quicker.

In the evening, the hands on the clock move quickly. You can look at the clock after tea (that’s what we call it in the North), then look again just five minutes later and half an hour will have passed.

Scientists from all over the world have studied this phenomenon but have yet to find any true answers. Only theories. Theories such as The Time Road, where time is suggested to be like a road and it slows down occasionally due to the fact that the road is suddenly filled with caravans or old men in caps driving small cars. Then there is the Treacle Effect, where it is suggested that time slows down because someone is making treacle and it smells funny – something like that anyway.

A Bit About Tedium...

Sometimes things can get a bit tedious, can’t they… You go to work five days a week from 9 – 5, entering a cocoon of relentless monotony… the boss giving you jip because targets haven’t been met, getting frowned upon for leaving work because you have a life, dammit… The mask you wear at work sometimes cracks and shows the frustration you feel inside, the shear lack of interest in each chore you undertake, having to agree to changes at work which you know are just ridiculous. These are just a few examples of tedium one can feel in their work place… it does not necessary relate to my own job, but wouldn’t it be fun to do something crazy once in a while. Get up from your desk and sing a Christmas carol in May, walk into the office on your hands or wear a pink wig. Hey, why not do all three. Something… anything to stop the tedium growth which is spreading through your very being like wild fire. A growth which is threatening to take over you completely and you become just another zombiefied creature who sits at their desk… who has forgotten how to smile and wears their mask well, while inside they want to pick up their computer and throw it out the window and shout, ‘I am me! I am a person. I have feelings!’

Still… you’ve got to laugh, aint ya…

A Bit About set meals on set Days

Today me and my daughter decided to have pancakes – we had them for tea with tuna, mayo and cheese (she had corn as well… I don’t like corn much, but that is just the way I roll). Today is a Monday in August, and no it is not pancake Tuesday, or Shrove Tuesday, as some posher people call it. This got me thinking of other set meals we have on set days.

And why are Easter Eggs only available during Easter, I am sure they would still sell them in say, October.

Christmas dinner… why not have the same meal during Spring or something? Christmas dinner is great, even the sprouts (yes, I like sprouts… it’s just the way I roll). Turkey, pigs-in-blankets, mmmm. And why are Sunday roasts only reserved for Sundays? Don’t wait for your birthday to have birthday cake!

So, go on people… have a Christmas dinner this Saturday, have your Sunday lunch on Wednesday… eat pancakes next Thursday. Buy yourself a Birthday cake for Friday. And if anyone asks you why? Just say that’s the way you roll, baby….

A Bit about... People trying to make money out of you...

It seems to me that wherever you look there are scams or people wanting to make money out of you in some form or other. You can’t turn on your email without receiving on thousand mails about Payment Protection Insurance. You could be owed thousands of pounds! What if you have never even taken out PPI? These people don’t care, they will just keep on flooding your mail box with more and more emails. I have mentioned scams before on this blog, I know… But it just seems to be getting worse.

Let’s look at people who want to make money out of you any way they can. People phoning up and asking to speak to Mr Smith… sorry, Mr Smith doesn’t live here… okay, can I speak to the home owner? I usually hang up by then. Now I don’t even bother to say anything, I just hang up as soon as I hear that ominous pause before someone from India or another such far away call centre starts to speak.

Then there are the ones who do it sneakily, like getting you to send texts so that you can have your fortune read or something… my daughter fell prey to this recently. Basically you sent a text to this genie thing and asked it to answer a question about you, which it did, and charged you 1.25 for the privilege. She ended up spending over 8 quid unknowingly (but there are people who wasted more money), thinking that because she had unlimited texts on her phone package she could do this for free. She was wrong. Suffice to say she won’t do it again.

Won a prize is some strange draw? No you haven’t… nobody gives anything away for free. Claim your 1m win… yes, right. Pull the other one, matey…

It’s all about money, isn’t it! The internet… what a great tool, what a great source of information, but you have to plough through the dredge before you get to what you want. Let’s say you think your child has chicken pox and go on the internet to look for symptoms… First up we have mittens for sale, to stop your child from scratching themselves! I don’t want mitts, I want to see the symptoms! Stop trying to get money out of me!

A Bit about being a Bloke: Having your child move in.

Those who know me will know that my daughter moved in recently… actually she was kicked out of her mum’s and has now decided not to go back. I have to say I am truly happy she lives with me now and I wouldn’t change anything, but my gripe is (yes, there has to be a gripe, doesn’t there… it’s a Borg Bit!) the problems you face when you contact all the relevant people to tell them your child has moved in and yes, it would be nice to get some money… please!

The CSA – they treat you as though you are lying! Now, since I moved out all those years ago I have paid on the nose what the CSA have asked me to pay. Now that the shoe is on the other foot, I have to wait until I am in receipt of Child Benefit. Child Benefit: It can take up to 12 weeks for this to be processed. In the meantime I am paying out for my child and getting sweet FA from the state and my ex wife. My ex is in denial and is telling the CSA that our daughter is staying with me temporarily, which is rubbish… but hey, look at who they believe! Her. She is grabbing all the money I should be getting.  As for Tax Credit, I think it might be somewhere in the next millennium that my case will be dealt with…

When it comes to the CSA, the man is treated like crap. I know there are some out there who want to shirk their responsibilities, and do so very well. But not all men want to get out of paying anything towards the upkeep of their child, yet that is the impression you get from the CSA.The ‘all men are b@stards brigade.’  I have always paid and now I want some help myself it is not forthcoming.

So I ring the Child Benefit help line and I get, ‘Sorry all out operators are busy and cannot take your call, goodbye.’ No, please hold, nothing. A simple Goodbye. I email them. I get a reply saying it can take up to 4 weeks for my email to be dealt with.  Where’s the nearest wall for me to bang my head on to?

 But that’s what being a bloke is like sometimes.

A Bit about Email Scams

A slightly different ‘Bit’ this time… and sorry it has been a while. Scam emails though, hey? Who in the right mind falls from them? Mine usually go straight into my spam box, but the following was in my In Box tonight…

“We are writhing to know if it's true that you are DEAD? Because we received a notification from one MR. GERSHON SHAPIRO of USA stating that you are DEAD and that you
have giving him the right to claim your funds. He stated you died in a CAR accident. He has been calling us regarding this issue, but we cannot proceed with him until
we confirm this within after 7days of no respond.

“Be advised that we have made all arrangements for you to receive and confirm your funds without any more stress, and without any further delay.

“All we need to confirm now is you been DEAD Or still Alive. Because this MAN'S message brought shock to our minds. And we just can't proceed with him until we confirm if this is a reality OR not But if it happened we did not hear from you after 7days, then we say: MAY YOUR SOUL REST IN PERFECT PEACE"

“YOUR JOY AND SUCCESS REMAINS OUR GOAL.

“May the peace of the Lord be with you wherever you may be now.”

I have a good mind to reply by saying, Yes, I am dead, so will you stop harassing me??

A Bit About Ex's

Well it’s been quite a while since my last blog, been a bit busy – work gets in the way, plus I have other writings that are taking up my time a bit. So it is nice to put on my blog head and blog slippers and relax with my laptop and talk nonsense and rant for a while.

I know I have mentioned ex’s before and I will no doubt again in the history of this blog. But why are ex’s such... gits? I am not just talking about my ex or any of my other ex’s here, just ex’s in general. They are all, well… gits aren’t they? I can’t really think of another term to describe these people who once had a hand in helping us shape our lives and making us into the people we are… be that bitter and twisted, or just relieved to be rid of them! They are gits because I can’t think of many people who refer to ex’s a good people.

‘There’s (insert name), he’s my ex… what a sound bloke.’

‘Hey, that’s (insert name) – I used to be married to her. What a simply delightful person she is.’

‘There goes my ex, she is not crazy at all.’

‘He wasn’t a b@st@rd to me!’

No, you don’t get many favourable comments do you. As I said, Ex’s are all gits, nuff said. There are the facts/ that is the proof. But why is it, I wonder? We once ‘liked/loved’ these people. When and where do these relationships go wrong and why are they suddenly…gits?

There is a period of time that passes when they are no longer gits too, isn’t there. I must hastily add this here. When you are friends again. Sometimes. I am friends with one of my ex’s – hey, it says so on Facebook! But for a time… a few months, years, decades, centuries… those ex’s are gits.

But you cannot stop the course of time and events – you, too, will be a git, and she or he will be a git too, one day – unless you find one who you stick with. When you break up prepare to be the topic of conversation amongst your ex and his or her friends for the next millennia, on how you did this, or that, how you were like that, be if fictitious or factual and how you are pretty much a git…

A Bit About the Next Big Build Up

There always seems to be something we want to get out of the way, doesn’t there! What I am talking about is the next big ‘event.’ We get one out of the way and it is onto the next, and our lives just quickly drift along that busy river. We have just got over Christmas, and next up is Valentine’s Day. Then we have Easter, Mother’s day, Father’s day, Holiday Season and Christmas again. There just seems to be one big build up after another, we don’t seem to have time to think. Easter Egg adverts rammed down our necks until we choke on the chocolate… and what the hell are Easter cards all about!

This month is Valentine’s Day month. God I hate Valentine’s Day… when you are with someone you just cringe at the fact you are going to have to go out for dinner and pay over the odds for a meal, or double the cost for a bunch of flowers. When you are single it just brings home the fact that you are a sad lonely person, when for the rest of the year that is just fine. You know you won’t get a Valentine’s Day card, but you check the door mat just in case – even if you don’t have a door mat…

It’s like TV… Now those who know me know that I detest reality shows, but you know what time of year it is by what inane reality show is on at the moment: Big Brother, Celebrity. All utter, utter shite, and not only do we have to do our best to avoid them, we have to do our best to avoid their big build ups too…

Obviously it is all about money… but isn’t everything. I am not religious, but isn’t it a bit of a contradiction? Through religion we are taught not to be greedy, yet most of our religious festivals are all about making money through selling  cards, gifts, chocolate eggs, chocolate advent calendars and the prices just keep going up…

 

Right… now then… I quite fancy some Chocolate Mini Eggs…

Picture is of Liv Tyler - who probably reads this blog and know what I am talkng about...

A Bit about New Year and 2011

Well, here it is. The New Year. It is 2012, and the year 2011, which was limping off into the sunset recently has new left us. 2012 is like a wailing baby wanting its nappy changed. The whole build up to Xmas and New Year has ended with its orgasm, be it good, bad or indifferent and we are left to clean up the mess and look ahead. New year’s resolutions anyone? I rarely make them, as I never stick with them… Drink less? Smoke less? Lose weight? Get fit? Run naked around the street more? Learn to speak Klingon? The way I see it, is if you want to do those things, just do them anyway, it doesn’t need to be New Year. I gave up smoking in June 1999. So, no, it doesn’t have to be now you make your promises… However I have formed a nice round belly over the last month, so much so my daughter was asking when it was due, so I guess I should lose a pound or two… or three… but this is not a resolution... okay!

What was 2011 like for us? I think for a lot it was pretty crap… recession, no money, riots. It was as though a dark cloud was hanging over it all the way through. The weather did not help, but what’s new there? There has been a lot of uncertainty job wise for most of us, me included. And prices just keep on going up and up! So let us hope that 2012 is much better eh? Let us look for that light at the end of the tunnel! Hey, as I write this I am sat in my living room, no heating on and the sun is shining!

The new year is what we make it to be… we can sit around moping and deciding that it is just going to be like the rest, or we can think positive. Embrace the year, give it a big smacker on the lips. I hate it when I see people moping around and being negative. In fact it peeves me off. Lighten up! You have your health/great kids/a loving spouse/ you are not starving to death in Africa/living on the streets. But we hear them moan on the bus, or at work, we see there depressing status updates on facebook. ‘Look at me, I have such a shit life!’ they exclaim. You have a life, so use it! Oh, and happy New Year!