A Bit about Queuing

I know it’s been said – many times, many ways, as the song goes – us British love to queue, don’t we! Don’t we? Well, no, actually as a British person I don’t like queuing at all. In fact I hate it. I would rather eat raw sewage than queue up (well, perhaps not, but you get the gist). I am pretty sure most people think the same way as I do. Love queuing? Love wasting time stood in a long line of people waiting to pay some sales assistant some cash? Nope!

I hate queuing and I hate the fact I have to queue! You know, I reckon whoever came up with the notion that us British love to queue was probably drunk at the time, or one drugs. I have never, ever in my life seen a British person in a queue who was happy. I have seen them try to jump a queue and face the wrath of the other queue-ees. I am talking serious tutting here and intense moaning. Hell hath no fury as a queue-ee scorned…

Most of us want to get served and out of the damn shop as soon as possible. But isn’t it always the case that whichever queue you go to is always the slowest? I feel like I have been cursed by the god of slow till operators. Take last night… I went to the supermarket, was in a bit of a rush, surveyed the tills and opted for the till with least people at. (I like to call this the till of least resistance). The lady behind the till did not stop talking to the woman who was before me and then as the woman was paying she questioned whether the tuna she had bought should have been on a buy one get one free offer. Till lady rang for assistance whilst looking at me with an ironic smile and a ‘sorry about this, love,’ and a fat co-worker came to help. It took him five minutes to check out the tuna situation. They should have, indeed, been BOGOF, here’s a refund. Why can’t you go to customer services for your refund! I almost cried at the woman. I want to buy my food and get home… I have had a busy day at work! Eventually I escaped the supermarket and off home I went. God I hate queuing almost as much as I hate shopping (but that is another story).

Isn’t it also frustrating when shops don’t have enough staff at the tills? You stand there with your goods in hand waiting while a pimple-faced teenager has to deal with the barrage of shoppers singlehandedly. This pisses me off. Why give them your custom for such poor service? In fact I have been known to leave the goods and go, make for the exits and fresh air outside.

Post Offices are bad too, and whose bright idea was it for staff to take their lunch hours at, well, lunch time? This is the only time I go to the post office, as I am at work during the day. It is also the time when most people go to the post office. Once there I see a huge queue and four people at the tills. I stand and wait with baited breath for the mechanical voice to say ‘Cashier number three…’
Ways to combat queuing:

1. Rush towards a queue holding a pass (can be any pass, library card will do) shouting, ‘I am on urgent police business, let me through to the till!’ Pros: you will get served quickly. Cons: you might be arrested for impersonating a policeman, or if someone actually believes you are a policeman, they might start asking you police related questions, such ‘where is the nearest place I can put on a Lottery ticket?’

2. Shout, ‘Wow, Katie Price is outside!’ The queue-ees (well, some of them), will immediately hurry outside and you will be able to get served straight away. Pros: you are served quickly, you get the satisfaction of watching a load of sad gits run outside only to be disappointed. Cons: they might come back, and some of them might be big…

3. Pretend there is a bomb threat?

4. Pretend you are a chicken. Pros: Many a shopper will want to get away from you as quickly as possible. Cons: you might like being a chicken and stay that way, strait jacket awaits…


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