A Bit about Smelly People

There seem to be a lot of smelly people around lately. I don’t know if it is the weather or anything, as that is what we all usually blame things on isn’t it, the weather? But there just is. When queuing up at some till, I end up stood next to a right smelly git. It is not just BO, it other dirty smells too, like clothing or bad breath. The kind of smell that makes you want to run off screaming, Danger! There is a smelly person at large! But you can’t do that, can you!

There seems to be an epidemic of smelly people, a bit like a zombie holocausts, but you can’t blow smelly people’s heads off with a 12 bore, can you! It’s against the law. I wonder, though, if the smell of the smelly people is spreading, like a zombie plague. Not by bite, of course, but maybe by touch. The touch of the smell. One touch by one of the Pongies and you become a pongie, too. Oh no, I might have been touched and smell and don’t know it.

I can see the film versions of this terrible chapter in our history now: Pongie, Dawn of the Stink, or Pongie Night of the Living Whiff, or 28 Stinks Later. Maybe I am just worrying, maybe there is no Pongie holocaust.  Perhaps these people just need to shower more often. Smelly gits.

A Bit about Speed Bumps

Yes, I know they are all about safety, to help keep speed down on our roads and therefore help deter accidents, but I don’t really think they do their job properly. Some – albeit ignorant drivers tend to drive over the speed bumps at the same speed they would do normally anyway, and so things are liable to fall off their cars and land in front of cars behind them, or hitting pedestrians… things such as bumpers, exhausts and Indian Jones.

They are called Sleeping Policemen, too, but I am not really sure why. They don’t look at all like policemen who are asleep (and in this day and age, surely that should be Sleeping Police ‘Persons.’) In fact they are not like policemen, police persons at all. Try reporting a crime to a sleeping policeman! Mind you, who would want to, they are asleep! Ever seen one trying to arrest someone? No, I think not.

Getting back to safety though, I do not really think they serve their purpose well. I find that when you are driving over a speed bump you are too busy looking at the bump rather than looking around at pedestrians coming out onto the road, like children, OAPs and zebras. Whoever comes up with such ideas (you know, some road engineer thingy guy, health and safety road bloke) needs to have a rethink and start by getting rid of existing speed bumps (starting with the ones on Lindale Gardens please) and put into place other ways of keeping speeds down.

A Bit about Music: Parent versus Child

What is it about parents and children and music tastes? No matter how hard you try, how hard you nurture your child and bring him or her up with the right style of music on your car stereo, no matter how hard you try to drum your style of music into them, they always chose a different style to your own. (Okay, mostly – I know there will be a few of you out there who will say, ‘Well, my Billy likes The Nolans, just like I do!’).

I am a rock fan and since my children were young I have forced my style of music on them in the hope they will like it too, and they did do! They raved over Rush, knew that Maiden weren’t just any old Iron and hailed Helloween, but alas something seems to have changed over the last year and they like rap music. How did this happen?  I hate rap! Okay, they don’t like hard core rap, but stuff like Example (no, I’d never heard of him either).His picture is below right, yes he does look like he could be the leader of the Labour Party, or work at Morrisons. Both my daughter and son love it. The boy will be sat at the lap top listening to it and the girl will be sat with her headphones on listening to it. My rock doesn’t get a look in these days.

I dreamed of taking them to see the likes of Rush, but these dreams will not come true now, the boy’s Metal CD which I made for him a year ago is now forgotten, gathering dust now… 

So… why does this happen? Is it the ‘I know better than you, Dad’ thing? It is them having their own minds..? Or do they just like it? It is a conspiracy? What is the world record for how many questions there are in a paragraph?

They say they still like rock… but I think they are just humouring me.

A Bit about Facebook Adverts

Facebook take snippets of information from your profile and likes etcetera and put certain adverts on your page to see if you might be interested. Sometimes they get it right, but why in the heck do they seem to think I am desperate to find a woman on an internet dating site? I am offered the chance to take Russian woman (apparently there are thousands waiting to hear from me) and I am offered a chance to date women in uniform. What the?

Some time ago, I decided to create a few ads of my own. Fake ads which I put on my face, and I thought I would share them here in my little blog…

Feeling all alone this Valentine’s Night? 

Then say goodbye to loneliness and date a Zombie, such as Mavis below. 

Go to dateazombie.com now and find your ideal zombie date… terms and conditions apply… dateazombie.com cannot be held responsible if your zombie date eats you.

Or....

Borg Dating . Com 

A whole collective of female Borgs are waiting to hear from you. 

You know resistance is futile! Date a Borg today, like Betty (right)…

A Bit About Time

It is a little known fact that time slows down at certain points in the day, and speeds up at others. This is the God’s honest truth, I kid you not… oh no. And the older you get, the quicker time goes too. I look at my kids and think, Heck! How did they get so big and old? I blinked and they were no longer toddlers, but heading straight to teenage years. Many have mused about this before, and many will muse about this in the future I am sure… so, let’s get back to time.

In the morning at work, time is at its slowest. The hands on the clocks all around the world seem to grow heavy and it is difficult for them to move. In fact sometimes the hands don’t move for several minutes: I know, I have watched them do this. Yet, it is strange, but the same time on a Saturday (or any other of your days off) the hands move along fine and quite possibly quicker.

In the evening, the hands on the clock move quickly. You can look at the clock after tea (that’s what we call it in the North), then look again just five minutes later and half an hour will have passed.

Scientists from all over the world have studied this phenomenon but have yet to find any true answers. Only theories. Theories such as The Time Road, where time is suggested to be like a road and it slows down occasionally due to the fact that the road is suddenly filled with caravans or old men in caps driving small cars. Then there is the Treacle Effect, where it is suggested that time slows down because someone is making treacle and it smells funny – something like that anyway.

A Bit About Tedium...

Sometimes things can get a bit tedious, can’t they… You go to work five days a week from 9 – 5, entering a cocoon of relentless monotony… the boss giving you jip because targets haven’t been met, getting frowned upon for leaving work because you have a life, dammit… The mask you wear at work sometimes cracks and shows the frustration you feel inside, the shear lack of interest in each chore you undertake, having to agree to changes at work which you know are just ridiculous. These are just a few examples of tedium one can feel in their work place… it does not necessary relate to my own job, but wouldn’t it be fun to do something crazy once in a while. Get up from your desk and sing a Christmas carol in May, walk into the office on your hands or wear a pink wig. Hey, why not do all three. Something… anything to stop the tedium growth which is spreading through your very being like wild fire. A growth which is threatening to take over you completely and you become just another zombiefied creature who sits at their desk… who has forgotten how to smile and wears their mask well, while inside they want to pick up their computer and throw it out the window and shout, ‘I am me! I am a person. I have feelings!’

Still… you’ve got to laugh, aint ya…

A Bit About set meals on set Days

Today me and my daughter decided to have pancakes – we had them for tea with tuna, mayo and cheese (she had corn as well… I don’t like corn much, but that is just the way I roll). Today is a Monday in August, and no it is not pancake Tuesday, or Shrove Tuesday, as some posher people call it. This got me thinking of other set meals we have on set days.

And why are Easter Eggs only available during Easter, I am sure they would still sell them in say, October.

Christmas dinner… why not have the same meal during Spring or something? Christmas dinner is great, even the sprouts (yes, I like sprouts… it’s just the way I roll). Turkey, pigs-in-blankets, mmmm. And why are Sunday roasts only reserved for Sundays? Don’t wait for your birthday to have birthday cake!

So, go on people… have a Christmas dinner this Saturday, have your Sunday lunch on Wednesday… eat pancakes next Thursday. Buy yourself a Birthday cake for Friday. And if anyone asks you why? Just say that’s the way you roll, baby….